I was bad today. Here’s what I did: nothing.
Absolutely nothing. (Well, that’s not true, I ate two vegan cupcakes that my roommate made, I watched Nip/Tuck and I cleaned up cat vomit.) Which means that I skipped yoga, which means that I’m currently in the shame spiral that comes with skipping exercise
I can feel the backs of my thighs growing cellulite as I type. Whereas last week I felt like a hot piece of ass (and I have lost 10 pounds since May…) today my body shame has me convinced I should probably swear off tank tops for the summer and that beach trip I was planning for Thursday? Forget it.
My problem is that I usually shame myself into inertia. Like, I feel so ugly that I just want to hide from everyone. I’ll mentally beat myself up for skipping class or for eating a cupcake and then I’ll start feeling so bad that I won’t want to leave the couch even to brush my teeth.
This is particularly annoying, because I thought I’d kicked this particular brand of shame.
I decided recently that my body isn’t “bad,” because how can a body be bad? It carries me around and lets me ride my bike and (when I make it to class) do really neat looking yoga back bends. My body isn’t missing anything essential. It’s not damaged or defective in any way.
So, as far as I can tell, this makes it “good.”
This new perspective was brought on by the disgust I felt last week at the tabloid’s “BEST AND WORST BEACH BODY” issues. I just thought it was really sad that Tyra Banks and Jennifer Love Hewitt have “bad” bodies. That’s crazy, right?
I don’t know. Maybe this is just fat girl talk, but I’m pretty sure that a bad body is one that is like five days unwashed, or only fed junk from Taco Bell, or that’s constantly subjected to drugs and cigarettes and booze. (So yeah… I used to have a pretty bad body, and it had nothing to do with the way I looked outside. My insides might be radioactive after what I put them through in the past two years.)
The goodness or badness of a body should have nothing to do with waist size and everything to do with the ability to climb Squaw Peak in Phoenix, or get through a Bikrim class without puking.
I’ve never been body positive. It took me a mild eating disorder (in high school — sorry Mom! But I think you actually knew this already, right?), years of self loathing and a cathartic 6,000 words in print about my flaws to get me to come to terms with my childbearing hips and ample (but extremely attractive) backside.
Unfortunately, I’ve been undone by nine hours of a show about plastic surgery and a completely sedentary day. For the past three hours I’ve been wondering, “Am I an 8? I’ve got to be at least an 8. But maybe not. Maybe I’m only like a 4. And no one is telling me because they don’t want to hurt my feelings. Or , God, maybe I’m a 2! A 2!”
This is totally toxic thinking. And I hate it and I hate myself for thinking it and it keeps going around and around in my head. Kind of sad, kind of insane.
If anyone is reading this (and, uh, I’m not so sure about that) and you’re feeling brave, I invite you to share your body issues in the comments. You can by anonymous if you want, I just like hearing other people’s perspectives.
But let’s all make ourselves a promise right now? No more “bad body” thinking, ok? I pinkie swear if you do.
3 Comments
July 16, 2008 at 1:49 am
Girl you know me and my body issues, but I think that we can only do what we can. It’s okay not to exercise everyday. It’s (more than) okay to have a little junk in the trunk. I struggle with my love handles every damn day but at the end of the day I like what I’ve got, and it’s more about getting healthy than getting skinny.
That said- I kind of think skinny girls have it rough too. My instaquote used to be “I’d rather be a little chubby and have t&a than be built like a 10 year old,” but what’s so wrong with that either?
Everyone should just love themselves. So easy to say and so hard to do…
July 17, 2008 at 3:03 pm
[...] Jennifer Love Hewitt have “b ad” bodies. That’s crazy, right? I don’t know…. Source: Showing my shame… Who Would Be A Worse Mom? Paris or Lindsey? Vote Now And Get A Free iPhone. Jennifer Love [...]
August 3, 2008 at 7:22 pm
I too saw the same damn tabloid about the bad beach bodies!!! (I had stopped reading those rags after the JonBone Ramsey murder and exploytation of little girls by their moms and the media!)…but I did read this one and the awful close ups the photog just feels they simply MUST get….But sad to say… it does seem to be what the public wants to see!!
Please take it from an older, mature (?) gal with a total body image disgust….who felt she just HAD to have the breast implants after a divorce at 38, in order to ‘feel good about myself’ and all that crap we tell ourselves. Actually, I was convienced I would never find a guy who would ‘love and want’ me with the two fried eggs I was trying to stuff with padding…..after all, you do have to take the clothes off eventually!! Besides, three other divorced gals in my office were getting boob jobs so hey….I am a follower of the masses, doncha know? Besides the dr. gave us a group discount!! (it was only $1000.) Anyway, let me tell you….now it is much more painful to have the annual boob squeeze and much harder to see and feel trouble spots…..and the bra strap digs into the shoulders cuz the silicone is heavy and damn it all…..they do begin to sag, just like the real thing!! Please be happy with what you have, Meggie and keep up the exercise and good eating and NO smoking!!!!! Just be glad you do have good child bearing hips……your mommy wants a grandchild!:) when you are ready, of course!
Stay away from those damn plastic surgery tv programs or better still….watch the one that shows all the ways things can and DO go wrong.
You will have a better body image as you travel along the path of self discovery you are on and come to know and feel what a truly amazing WOMYN you are…I just hope it doesnt take as long as it has for me! I am just so happy that FINALLY at the age you know I am, I can say…”I AM WOMYN, HEAR ME ROAR!!”