Babes, Dreamboats, Casanovas and Vagina Boys, or: a modern woman’s dating lexicon

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Back in May I traveled to Eugene with two co-workers (well, really, my boss and a co-worker) and by the end of our first night in town we found ourselves drowning in booze at a generic college bar near the University of Oregon campus.

We stayed a while. It’s fair to say we all got drunk. I remember a glass breaking. I remember trying to beg off my fourth drink and somehow finding myself downing a sixth by the end of the night.

Somewhere in the mix of baseball talk, newspaper talk and general bullshit I made a bold, gin-fueled comment: “There are only four types of men in the world,” I told my two (male) drinking buddies.

Right now I can’t remember why I said this, but I know there was context.

“Come on Irwin, that’s bullshit,” was the response.

To which I slurred: “No. I’m serious. Four types: Babes, Dreamboats, Casanovas and Vagina Boys.”

I think it might have been the word “vagina” that caught everyones attention. Looking back I’m sort of mortified that I said “vagina” in the company of the owner of the paper worked for and an older, highly respected co-worker of mine.

But, from that point on I had a captive audience.

I realize it sounds marginalizing to push all men into four categories. After all, I’d probably be pissed if someone told me there were only four types of women. But, in my experience every man I’ve ever met fits under one of these four broad categories.

Join me after the jump for “The Babe,” the first in a four part series that will explain it all — as well as what I mean by “pseudo dating” and “sucker fucking.”

(Yeah, I know it’s a little lame to make you wait four posts to find out what a Vagina Boy is, but this got kind of long and I think I should break it up.)

Part 1: “The Babe”

Snoop defined how Babes bone with his hit single "Sensual Seduction."

I’m going to start with the Babe. Babes are my favorite. I’ve currently got one, and I’ve vowed never to date any other type again. Babeness is a hard to capture quality, it’s innate. Just as one can not aquire grace, one can not become a Babe with practice. You are one or you aren’t one

Here are some general “must-have” characteristics of the Babe:

• A babe is confident but not cocky, he exudes it and you can see it in the way he walks. I call this the Swagger. You’ll know it when you see it. It’s not a walk full of peacockish bravado (that territory is reserved for the Cassanova)… it’s the kind of walk that when you see it you think “I bet he’s a good lay.” Which leads me to.

• A Babe is effortlessly good in bed. A Babe will never offer to “make love,” because he understands that phrase reeks of sad desperation. (Or should I say, because it smells of Vagina Boy?) A Babe can get away with the post-coital high five. Also, a Babe always has condoms because a Babe uses them every single time. (And he remembers the date of his last STD test

• A Babe can cook, and will cook for you. I don’t think this really requires me to elaborate, does it?

• A Babe can fix your car/bike/oven. And if it’s hot out he can do it without his shirt on and not look like a jerk.

• A Babe is funny without trying to be, and can talk like a sleaze without sounding like an asshole. For example, a Babe can get away with saying something like, “Hey sweet tits,” and can also use the word “booty” in reference to yours without making you feel like a ho. It’s all in the delivery. If a guy calls you “baby” and you don’t cringe, you’re in the presence of a Babe.

• A Babe has hobbies beyond getting fucked up, getting people fucked up and the bar culture in general. Babes are not addicted to drugs, ever. Babes are fun to be around when you’re drunk, but they’re also fun when you’re sober. (Or as my girl Alexis says, “When you’re cold kickin’ it.” I don’t have enough street cred to say things like that though.)

• Babes are smart, and you can tell, but they don’t verbally masturbate all over your conversations. This is because a Babe has nothing to prove..

• This is because a Babe has nothing to hide. He’s not going to make you listen to his tragic life story (that’s VB territory right there), but he’s not going to lie to you. Nor is he going to hide important things — suck as ex wives, children, addictions — from you.

• A Babe is well groomed (showers daily!), but not more so than you. If he spends a lot of time on elaborate costuming, wears jewelry, or owns/uses hair gel, you are in the presence of either a Casanova or a Vagina Boy.

Famous Babes: Daniel Day Lewis, Jeff Goldblum, Snoop Dogg

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Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)

• Notes from Day 1 of the Babe Tournament. Updated Bracket as well
• ANOTHER BOORING DAY
• I don’t think I can take four nights a week of pseudo-celebs
• Two Missing Boys Found

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Filed under Modern Womyn's Dating Lexicon

Tags: babes, casanova, dating, dreamboats, drinking, sex, vagina boys