A Modern Womyn’s Dating Lexicon Part 2: The Casanova

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First, let me just smugly point out that I was right about at least one thing that turns an ordinary man into a Babe.

With that in mind, today’s lesson: Casanovas.

I consider the Casanova the most dangerous man out there. He will break your heart. He will emotionally rape you. He will mind fuck you.

And you will still pay his rent some months or let him drive your car to Coachella. (When you’re broke and on deadline and, thus, not also driving in said car to said concert.)

Because the Casanova will also make you feel so amazing and sexy and special that you might think for a while that he’s a Babe or maybe even a Dreamboat.  Which means you will ignore every single warning sign and develop a complicated system of lying to yourself and justifying all the weird inconsistencies.

Girl. It’s not worth it.

Trust me on this one. Because when I’m using the word “you” in this context, I obviously mean me. Because I’m guily of dating Casanova. Many, many times over. Actually, let’s get real. I’m guilty of pseudo-dating Casanova, of sucker-fucking Casanova, of promising myself never to date another goddamn Casanova, many times over.

I’ve finally learned my lesson. It’s the least I can do to apply my practical research on this chamealon to you (and this time I mean you) after the jump:

The tricky thing about the Casanova is that he’s easily confused with the Babe at first. He is the Babe’s dopelganger. An evil twin. It’s scary, and once you realize what you’re really dealing with it’s hard to unbreak your heart and it’s almost impossible to trust your instincts again.

(Post Casanova, this will come in really handy. Note: Mariah Carey is especially good at getting one through a Casanova crisis. She must have dated a few in her day. But! She’s like me! She’s moved on to Babes and seems much happier.)

Anyway. These dudes are tricky to identify, but here are some characteristics they always display:

1. A Casanova is a peacock. He parades around like one. He walks through the bar like everyone is looking at him. (They probably are. Even if he’s not traditionally/generically good looking, Casanova commands attention.) He spends a looooooot of time getting ready, even if he doesn’t look like it. He needs this attention badly. Partially because…

2. A Casanova has slept with many, many, many of the women you know/he knows. Are you in a crowded bar with him? Turn in a full circle. Did you see that salty girl in the corner glaring at you? He banged her last week. Did you see that smug girl texting (at the same time as him)? He’s banging her next week. When you go home later, does he not have a condom? Yeah… it’s not because he never has sex. It’s because he has a lot of it. Condom free. Does he tell you you’re his “favorite?” He doesn’t mean “of all time,” he means, “of the girls I’m currently doing this with.”

3. Paradoxically, a Casanova generally has meaningful — or what feel like meaningful — sexual experiences. He’s not a dick, even though he will definitely hurt your feelings later. Casanova is good at making you feel good, and it’s not a line. He doesn’t need lines… he’s definitely getting laid as often as he needs to. So when he says things that you interpret as significant, he does mean it. He just means it about a lot of other women too. This is why he’s hell to get over.

4. Casanova alludes to what you’re doing as possibly “dating,” yet at the same time wants to keep things really, really on the downlow. Like, when you meet him at a bar, he’ll say hi to everyone but you and then notice you’re there an hour later. In your head, things will feel well defined. They’re not. Listen to that nagging voice, you know the one you ignore while re-analyzing your last drunken make out and deciding it means he’s probably, most likely, hopefully not screwing anyone else. The voice knows he is.

5. The Casanova is master of the Grand Gesture. He will drive long distances in inclimate weather to see you. He will write you things (for your sake I hope not really rudimentary songs on his motherfucking acoustic guitar… tell me, is there anything worse? I’ve had a few “I wish the ground would swallow me now, this is so awkward and now I have to clap” moments in my day. Bad, bad!) He will trust you with things you think he’d only trust someone he cares about with (secrets, children if he has them…) He will fool you. And then. He disappears. Because another woman also needs her Grand Gesture and he usually only provides one per customer.

6. If, and this is rare, you have the terrible misfortune of actually getting into a relationship with Casanova, he will want to  tell you he “loves” you almost immediately. He’s addicted infatuation. He also wants confirmation from you right away that he’s caught you. Fortunately, these mortifying moments are rare, as Casanova tends to pseudo-date.

7. On that note, beware the patented Casanova phrase: “I think I could be falling in love with you.” Or any variation on this theme.

8. Casanova does have some good qualities: He means the compliments he gives, he’s usually fucking hilarious, the sex is always enthusiastic and really good… For this reason, I’m tempted to say Casanova is good to have around sometimes. He’s good filler. Unfortunately, you never think of him as “filler” because Casanova, by nature, makes you “love” him.

9. Sometimes, after you’re done being fucking pissed, Casanova can be your best friend. Because all the great parts about him? Translate soooooooooo much better when you’re not tryin’ to be romantic. I personally keep at least two Casanovas in my inner circle at all times. They make me feel pretty on ugly days. I just make sure our privates never touch. Ever.

To sum up — these guys seem like a good idea because they are fun, charismatic, make you feel good and seem to really care about you. And they do in a way. They just also really care about several other women. Most tragicaly, they lack the general understanding that if you are straight up with most modern women — as in “I DO NOT want a girlfriend. I DO NOT want to date anyone exclusivly. I DO want to have sex with you right now” — you’re probably going to get laid anyway, and avoid looking like an asshole six months down the line.

But they won’t because the inability to do this — to be honest about sex and what it means — is what defines them in the first place. The fatal, tragic, painful flaw behind what, otherwise, can feel like a very good idea.

Famous Casanovas: Jude Law, George Clooney, Zach Braff (puzzlingly… people really find him attractive? Really? ) Maybe Conor Oberst. Definitely Prince.

Theme song: “Heartbreaker,” obviously:

“Heartbreaker you got the best of me/but I just keep on coming back incessently/why’d you have to run your game one me/shoulda known right from the start you’d go an break my heart.”

Listen to Mariah. Homegirl knows.

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Tags: broken hearts, Casnova, dating, mariah carey, pseudo-dating, sex, warning signs