I have to admit, these last two categories are the two I’ve done the least research on.
I’ve dated exactly one Dreamboat. Didn’t work out. Frankly, I’m not Dreamboat material. I’m rough. I’m messy. I don’t shave my legs every day. I’m damaged goods, really. And Dreamboats don’t go in for that kind of thing. It’s OK. I’ve found I need someone just as raw — or maybe the word is fierce — to keep up.
And when it comes to Vagina Boys, I’m proud to say, I’ve never dated one. I think I’ve slept with exactly one, though at the time I wasn’t even asking for last names, let alone conducting a comprehensive personality analysis. So it’s hard to say.
I’ll still try of course. After the jump:
So Dreamboats. Dreamboats are sort of magical creatures. I would say “unicorns” but that’s too fluffy. They’re just seemingly unattainable. When you’re with a Dreamboat, unless you are one of those rare girls who is Dreamboat material, you constantly feel like you’re not quitteeeee good enough.
It’s not because he’s the most attractive guy in the room (though he might be), or the smartest (though he probably is), it’s some quality of otherness that is at once breathtaking and wildly intimidating.
As I said, I’ve had exactly one Dreamboat in my relationship past. He broke my heart, not because he was mean, or a bad person, but because that otherness always kept us somehow seprate and even at 20 I could feel that, if not really understand it:
1. Dreamboats have absurdly high standards in almost every way. To capture the attention of a Dreamboat you must be captivating in the same way he is captivating. They definitely have the same incredibly high standards for themselves. The problem is, many girls are captivating some days of the week — almost none are captivating all the time. Which means…
2. Dreamboats are ridiculously attentive and interested in you — you are the most amazing person ever! You are what he’s been looking for forever! — unless (until?) he realizes you’re not because you’re a human and have flaws. And then, your dreamy days are numbered.
3. Dreamboats are incredibly smart. It goes along with the standard of excellence they hold themselves to. It’s that upper-crust, sharp intelligence — wit, I guess is the word — that usually comes with good breeding. Or, in some instances, the imitation of good breeding.
4. Dreamboats are good lovers, but it’s sort of a painstaking process. Whereas a Babe is enthusiastic and a Casanova is a fanatic, a Dreamboat is sort of agonized. Think along the lines of Ben Braddock in “The Graduate.” A Dreamboat icon if there ever was one.
5. Dreamboats are the best people to sit and be quiet with.
6. A Dreamboat is to a Babe what Paul Schaffer is to Kevin Arnold. (I imagine this became especially true once they grew up.) Get it?
Famous Dreamboats: David Bowie. And um. Really, just David Bowie.
Dreamboat theme song: “Dreamlover” by Mariah Carey.
Ok, and now Vagina Boys. As I mentioned my previous personal experience is very limited, but I would venture to say I’ve been in the presence of quite a few. And as someone who used to get paid to observe things and write them down, I’d say I’m qualified to offer an opinion.
1. Vagina Boys are slutty, but bad-slutty not Casanova slutty. This is because Vagina Boys always have girlfriends who they “love” but cheat on constantly. Example: My one VB encounter was with a guy who had a girlfriend. Who was serving in the Peace Corps at the time of our interaction. Which he told me after my clothes were off, when really, it was way too late. Gross huh?
2. Vagina Boys are mean in a really perverse and passive aggressive way. The last example gets worse: When the girlfriend returned from wherever she was serving, the VB used to bring her into the store where he knew I worked (because we met at a party for said store) like, once a week.
3. Vagina Boys are obsessed with their Ex-Girlfriend. No, not their ex. Their Ex. You know, the one who ruined them for all woman kind? And their perpetual excuse for being an asshole. The Ex is the reason they can never really love again and have a quasi-substance abuse problem and bla bla bla bla. The best part is, when you find out what this evil bitch did that ruined them so… it’s usually, nothing. She just broke up with him…. But…
4. VBs are VBs because they can’t take even the slightest rejection and they overcompensate (in every way) thusly. Obviously, the Douchebag is a part of the Vagina Boy phylum.
5. Vagina Boys refuse to take responsibility for ANYTHING. Everything in their lives is a direct result of something someone else has done to them. There is no room in the VB’s id (or whatever…) to negotiate this.
6. The Vagina Boy is a master of the sucker fuck. (See my example above.)
Famous Vagina Boys: Spencer Pratt, Chuck Klosterman
Vagina Boy Theme Song: “Crybaby” by Mariah Carey. Not because any woman is heart broken over him, but because he is one.
1 Comment
August 23, 2008 at 12:58 am
Wildly tangential, but…
Just for the record, I think it would be a really good thing for the world if a giant 20-ton, Acme-branded anvil fell out of the sky and landed on Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag.
Bonus points if that stupid fucking manufactured grin is still visible on Heidi’s now-flattened face after the anvil is lifted.